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"My Peace I leave With You"

February 12, 2018

 

 

 On January 21st I went through something that I truly never thought I'd have to endure. Let me start from the WAY back: winter semester of my freshman year of college I was in my apartment, when pain that I swore was my appendix bursting woke me up, I called my sister, who I lived with at the time, she came rushing home from a date, we went to the hospital and later found out that I had 5 ovarian cysts and that 2 of them had burst, and that I likely had a condition called endometriosis. Fast forward 4 years later and I got married to the most amazing man, we knew there was a chance we would have a hard time getting pregnant so we decided to start trying to have a baby 6 months into our marriage in December of 2015. These last 2 years have been painful, stressful, full of questions and mostly full of love from my husband. We decided not to tell anyone about our fertility struggles (except for doctors of course), we're both pretty private people and we honestly just wanted to go through it without a lot of input from outside sources. When my sister announced she was pregnant in November of this year we felt both joy and a heightened desperation to start our own family, we told our family about the last 2 years of struggles and looked forward to their support moving forward. By what felt like a sudden miracle on the day before my birthday, December 29th 2017, Our fertility center called me to say that my blood work showed that I was pregnant. This was the happiest moment of my life, I felt elated, excited, nervous, relieved and every emotion in between. On January 16th, we had our first ultrasound and got to see our precious little baby who we started to call Blueberry and Little Monkey, the nurses said everything was perfect and exactly where it should be, we had no doubts that we would be on the road to FINALLY be parents. And now we arrive to January 20th, Blake and I were at my parents property, playing with our drone, shooting guns and spending a care free day together, however I suddenly started bleeding and as the day went on, severe pain set in and the bleeding increased. Blake called the doctor and we spent the night on google trying to reassure ourselves that this was normal. We fell asleep together on the couch (since I couldn't really move) and hoped that the morning would bring relief. At 6am on January 21st I woke up, covered in blood from the waist down, and I immediately knew what this meant, I rushed to the bathroom and confirmed that what had happened was a miscarriage, specifically a "complete miscarriage". Pain, anguish and desperation, don't begin to describe the feelings I have felt since that day, I have felt loneliness, anger and frustration, deep depression and anxiety for the future loomed over me. Although the pain isn't over, the depression is still very real, I have found comfort in my husband and turning to the Lord. Through these weeks, the words "I will not leave you comfortless" have played in my mind over and over again. Although I felt little comfort in the days immediately following the death of a baby I have yearned for for years, I knew all along that God was right there, this was a part of his plan, a painful part, but a sacred part nonetheless. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Atonement was also meant for times like these, that my Lord and savior suffered through what I have suffered so that I could put my pain on him and so that I could know I am not truly alone. I hope that by sharing this story a few people with feel that whatever their circumstance, whatever their pain and wherever they are in life, they are not alone, we will not be left comfortless. I know I will come back from this, and I KNOW that through this pain I have grown stronger in character, in perseverance and in faith in my Savior Jesus Christ. Finally I want to share a quote from one of my favorite people, President Henry B Eyring, "You will at times have your faith challenged by Satan; it happens to all disciples of Jesus Christ. Your defense against these attacks is to keep the Holy Ghost as your companion. The Spirit will speak peace to your soul. He will urge you forward in faith. And He will bring back the memory of those times when you felt the light and the love of Jesus Christ....Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost will have a sanctifying and purifying effect on your spirit. You will then feel the peace the Savior promised to leave with His disciples. With that peace will come a bright hope and a feeling of light and love from the Father and His Beloved Son, who leads His kingdom on earth through revelation to His living prophet."

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” 

John 14: 26-27

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